There are many ideas about time and our interaction with it. And I’ve given it some thought this afternoon.
Some believe time is a circle. Everthing that happens eventually happens again. If you’re patient, an opportunity presents itself many times.
Some believe time is a river. An opportunity presents itself once and then it’s swept away. Once it’s gone, it doesn’t come back.
Some believe time is just time. An opportunity presents itself regardless of time. It appears by chance and disappears without warning. And you never know if you’ll see it again.
I don’t know what I believe — but I think the opportunity given to me to race well is gone. And I don’t know if it will come back. (I added the word “well” to this post on 05/04… I mistakenly left it out in the original post.)
Today’s races were miserable. I raced the cat 3 group. I couldn’t get my body or mind engaged. I climbed Lookout Mountain slower than I did a couple of weeks ago. Then I raced the 35+ group, and my legs were dead, just dead.
I don’t know what happened. I could NOT get my heart rate to respond. And I actually contemplated turning around and going home. I couldn’t turn the pedals and my legs cramped.
Mentally I was frustrated because the drive-train on my bike is really going. I kept dropping gears. And there’s a funky noise “somewhere.” Usually, I don’t let these things affect me, but they did today.
I need to clear my mind and my legs.
I’d like to believe that time is a circle and that the opportunity to race well will present itself once more. I guess that only time will tell.
I do know that I can’t give up. I have to keep trying.
May 3, 2008 at 10:54 pm |
there are 2 statements here that contradict themselves
I think the opportunity given to me to race is gone. And I don’t know if it will come back.
and then
I do know that I can’t give up. I have to keep trying.
Kirk, you have always felt, since I first met you, that the time when you were strong is past, and that you are old, fat, & slow, but there is that part of yourself that keeps driving, that can’t give up…
herein lies the tension within you and that you carry like a piano on your back.
You are racing at a level where if BOTH legs and body aren’t there, you get crushed mercilessly.. you lacked both today.. so what, someday soon they will both be there..
I do believe in the “time is a river” view of life… things come and go, and you will never see right now again in the same way..
However, we are NOT HELPLESS CREATURES FLOUNDERING IN THE RIVER.. are you a canoe? or a kayak skimming playfully in the waves? or a floundering rubber raft?
that is what matters, not the flow or shape of time, but what is the container of self & soul that we inhabit?
and do you float? or sink?
May 3, 2008 at 10:56 pm |
crap, I forgot to close that second em tag after your 2nd quote, could you edit that in so this looks right? & delete this second comment…
-A
May 4, 2008 at 8:31 pm |
Andrew… I updated the post. The contradiction was a mistake. What I’m saying is that the opportunity to race well is gone. Obviously, I can race pooryly all I want.
Something is wrong. I don’t know if I’m just old and it’s really all gone, or if I’m just over-trained or if the stress of my job is crushing my motivation, or if the constant battle with my wife has taken everything out of me. I don’t know.
I do know that things aren’t right. But I can’t stop — I’ve come to grips with that. I just still have to accept the fact that I may need to downgrade to enjoy the experience.
I know my mental state — puddle-glum, huh? Sorry.